The Boy Friend Project. Day 1.

I feel very fortunate to have as many good male friends as I do. I sometimes feel like I have the special “password” to get into the treehouse that has a “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign at the top of that precarious ladder. Time spent with my male friends varies from one on one conversation over beers or lunch to hanging out listening to music and talking shop, to going for dinner with our spouses together. We talk about our common interests and have a generally good time. One thing we’ve rarely, if ever, talked about is why or how we became friends in the first place. Being a curious person, I thought it would be fun and interesting to explore the male-female friendship. I was interested to confirm or dispel some of the beliefs out there about these relationships, for instance;

-men and women can’t be friends.
-men are only friends with women because they want to sleep with them.
-men are not interested in what women have to say, unless it’s “what kind of beer can I bring you?”
-women have nothing to offer men in the way of friendship.
-you can’t be friends with exes....

Really, the list goes on and on.

I approached 12 of my closest male friends and sent them a questionnaire that was prepared by my cousin and I. I was shocked that 9 of them followed through...some very quickly and with enthusiasm. One man accused me of preparing a very “myspacey” type questionnaire. (After re-reading it, I must agree with him) A few gave me very short answers, others wrote me essays. The cross section of men I spoke to range from 20 years old to late 30s, with occupations and interests including marketing, professional designations, music, writing, teaching. Of the 9 men, 8 of them are straight and 1 is gay. Just over half are in committed relationships, while the others are single. I think we did a good job of reaching a good selection of our peers. I must say some answers surprised me, while others only enlightened what I already hoped to be true. It’s interesting to note that some of the most mature answers came from the youngest male in the group. I’ll post the answers to 2 questions per post to make these bite sized and easier to digest. I'll also give my answers to the questions, from my perspective. I welcome yours.

Before I share their answers with you, let me introduce them;
(names have been changed to ensure anonymity)

Steve- a professional man with an unconventional look. A very creative individual with a lot of interests and many friends. Single.

Will- a serious, yet witty, very intentional person. Highly intelligent and very honest. Married.

David - wonderfully warm and hilarious. Professional by day, Rocker by night. Married.

Justin - the youngest of the group. Very media savvy, very ambitious. In a committed relationship.

Randy - very stylish professional who likes to have a good time. Smart, charming. Married.

Hayden - a writer, a bit serious but warm hearted and a very good communicator. Single.

Scott - Smart, funny, small business owner. Very family and friend oriented. Married.

Mark - Professional writer and promoter. Great sense of style and humor. In a committed same-sex relationship.

Charlie - Creative, sensitive and scholarly. Honest  with an odd sense of humour. Single.

As I reviewed the answers, many of them made me laugh out loud, and some made me reflect on my ability to be a good friend.  It was obvious that some of the questions were confusing, but the answers were excellent.

Here’s what they shared;

What’s in it for you? No, really...what’s in it for you? Don’t say you want our perspective---99% of you think we are whiny, shoe shopping, demanding people...so really, what’s in it for you?

Steve: Whats in it for me is awesome conversation and the same connection I get from many of my guy friends. I have many friends that are women and I only hang out with women with attitude.

Will: I don’t have friends based on gender. I base my friends on people who have the similar ideals.

David: A different take on life. Women think completely different than men. I prefer hanging out with women as they are refreshing and easier to talk to about real life circumstances.

Justin: I’ve always had mostly female friends and because I like to talk about things, talk through feelings, issues etc., I’ve naturally gravitated towards women. I like being a male perspective they seek.

Randy: Men need to talk to women and want to understand the whiny, shoe shopping, demanding people. We want to be liked by the opposite sex, even if just on a friend level. We sometimes look for the reassurance that a female friend can provide. We also don’t need to act macho around females....they offer a perspective on fashion....offer assistance on planning and organization.

Hayden: The self-stereotyping is unfair. Most of the women I’ve met can’t be tossed into that category all of the time.

Scott: Honestly, friendship. I grew up with 8 girls. I’m quite used to the shoe shopping and demandingness. I actually get along better with women because of it and my sister is my best friend. I love shopping, probably more than my wife.

Mark: Women can be much gentler than men and sometimes I need that. I need relief from a lot of the hustle and bustle. My friendships with women provide me that “take a breath and relax” vibe.

Charlie: There is absolutely nothing in it for me, other than companionship that perfectly suits what I’ve grown up with. I’ve come to learn that women are far more likely to share all of my common interests than men are, and they’re more willing to do things other than bar-hop and drink themselves silly. Women are the total package, if you will. You gals are also easy on the eyes, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t mention that reason.

I say: I don't look for friendships with men, but I often fall into much more meaningful relationships with them. Moreso than women. I think this is for a few reasons. I am very straightforward. I say what I think and feel. I believe men are the same way ( at least with saying what they think). I adapt easily in my relationships. I can be assertive and bold with my male friends, while being soft and encouraging with my female friends, and still maintain authenticity. There is no drama with men. They don't gossip and don't get bent out of shape if one of their friends can't read their mind or support them 100%. I appreciate that. I really enjoy men's company. My male friends are funny, brilliant, talented and overall, just wonderful.

What happens when you find yourself with feelings for a “friend” and you know she’s not into you?

From the single gentlemen;

Hayden: Feelings and lust are 2 different things. I daresay that none of us truly want to be friends with somebody we wouldn’t bed at some point or other. The preferences aligning just makes the conversation come up more often. If she’s actually a friend, it’s easier to get out there. Just like being dehydrated or tired can feel the same as being hungry, having a friend who knows you well and can point out what you’re actually longing for is pretty sweet.

Mark: It doesn’t apply to me. (Obviously.... ;)

Charlie: I wear my emotions on my sleeve if I know and trust someone, so I’m a big fan of talking. Harboring feelings for someone who doesn’t return them can , and will, kill you. I’d rather be completely honest and open with someone I consider a friend, instead of letting my feelings change my behavior and, possibly, affect the nature of our friendship. There’s also a chance that opening up about your own feelings can awaken something in her. I don’t mean this as a disparaging remark but women are typically clueless about how we feel about them.

Steve: It’s happened before and it’s difficult, but what can you do? I’m still friends with those people so it must have worked out.

And from those in committed relationships (I’ve omitted their names for this answer);

- If I find I have feelings for a friend...I just push those aside to at least keep the friendship.
- It hasn’t happened, and if it did I would have to make a conscious decision to step back.
- I cannot recall an appropriate instance.
- I tell that bitch she’s not all that and is missing out on some sweet action...Just kidding. :)
-After awhile you learn to move on. Sometimes you realize the friendship is worth much more than any temporary (because that’s what it would be) relationship would be.

I say: I haven't really experienced this in my adult life. As an adolescent I would be crushed if I put my feelings on the line and they weren't reciprocated. As an adult, I've naturally engaged in romantic relationships with people who feel the same way.


So, there you have a quick introduction into the flavor of the answers these wonderful men were brave enough to share with us....

I always have believed that men and women can have meaningful relationships. I always found it interesting to be told ( usually by men that were interested in me sexually) that men only befriend women because they want to get laid. I'm glad I was right....men do want to be friends with women,  and vise-versa. Because of that we should really nurture our friendships with them as we would with our female counterparts.

I also learned that most married men are very realistic about boundaries and expectations from their friendships with women. I'm happy to say that I do align myself with men of honor, so the married men's responses simply confirmed that for me.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's questions which touch on men's perspective of relationships outside the friendship and being friends with ex-girlfriends.

I welcome your comments as we explore this further....

PART 2: